I’ve made no secret about my infertility issues. For three years I have battled, cried, and prayed about my infertility and for three years God said wait…all I heard was wait! For a long while, I fought and tried to take it into my own hands, and for that time, God’s answer didn’t change. I tried to control our infertility by going to the Dr, and the specialist, and the naturalist…and God’s answer didn’t change. Finally, when I couldn’t do it any longer, I feel down before the Lord and told him I couldn’t do it…I couldn’t carry the weight and the hurt, I couldn’t try to keep controlling something I had no control over. I was done, and I handed it all over to the Lord…I was broken, but I didn’t have to carry the burden of infertility any longer. If I was to never have a child of my own, I was content in knowing that God would have another plan, and that I would be completely fulfilled in that plan…

It wasn’t 6 months later when it happened, God worked in my life like he never had before! It was Friday, March 28th and the phone rang at 7:14 in the morning. “Who in the world…” I thought, I even thought about ignoring the phone, but it could be an emergency…. I stumbled over to the phone and answered in my best “I’m awake” voice.

“Hello Hyde”…it was my mother-in-law, “Mike wants to talk to you”. As the phone is being switched on the other end, I’m trying to calculate in my half-wake/half-sleep state of mind what he was going to ask.

When Mike got on the phone, he explains that a lawyer called him and wanted to know if there were any Christian couples that he knew that would want to adopt a baby. I took a second to think. We really hadn’t thought seriously about adoption. We had tossed the idea around, but never thought of perusing it. I answered “if this is God opening a door, we’ll walk though it”.

I didn’t hear anything from the lawyer until Monday morning. She wanted me to have a photo album put together and sent to her in Salt Lake City, Utah by Wednesday. I wasn’t sure if that was even possible, but with the diligent help of my sister, Heather, we were able to make 20 beautiful pages in just 7 short hours! And if you know anything about scrap booking, you know what a feat this is!

On Tuesday afternoon, the photo album was on it’s way to Salt Lake City, and I took a quiet moment to bow my head and pray.  “Lord, close this door if it’s not your will.  Let her choose another family if you don’t want us to persue adoption.  Jesus, don’t let me do anything outside what you want for my life.”  As I prayed this prayer I was comforted in knowing that my family, Michael’s family, and my best friends in the whole world were praying the same thing.  We were bombarding heaven’s gates with prayer!

The following Friday, one short week from the slumber-waking phone call, I received another call…this time the caller ID told me it was a unknown caller from Salt Lake City, Ut!  This time it was the lawyer.  I don’t think my heart has ever beat so hard as she began to talk.  “The birth mother has made her decision”, it took everything I could to pace my breathing so I wouldn’t hyperventilate.  “She’s chosen you…you’re the only couple she wants to meet.”  Later we found out that her father did want her to meet another couple, but after that meeting she quickly decided that family was not a good fit.

We instantly set plans into motion to get us to Salt Lake City, by the next Thursday, we were sitting in her living room, where again my heart was pounding so hard I was afraid she’d be able to hear it.  The meeting went well and we we’re nervous and scared and excited all mixed up.  When we left Salt Lake City, we felt really good about everything that had happened, and we were told that we would have a “final decision” by “early next week”.

Monday came…and went.

Tuesday came…and went…we called, but we’re told the birth mom was praying about her decision, and we would hear when they heard.

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday…”Oh no, I have to wait through a weekend!”

Although we did not have a final answer, we began moving on the paper work and home study process that all adoptive families must go through.  This process could last up to 6 months, and we had 6 weeks!  Stressed does not begin to explain the emotion I felt.

The following Monday I lost my Grandfather to a heart attack, and flew to PA to attend his funeral, it was when I was there that we got a phone call with her final decision.  Michael called me, and I could tell in his voice it was not good.

“How can it not be good, I prayed…hard.”

“She decided to go with the other family” Michael said

My mind went in 300 different directions.  “Wait a minute, I thought we were the only family!  I thought we were going to get him!  God, you opened this door, you made this possible, I told you to close the door a long time ago if it wasn’t to be….”   I was honestly shocked!

I don’t think I would have made it through without the support and love of my best friends, and my family!  My girlfriends took me out to lunch, brought me cookies, called, wrote letters, prayed for me, cried with me, and made me get out and move on (Thank you girls!).

It was a Thursday when I woke up normal…I felt ok, and I wanted to go to work and see the preschoolers!  I was going to be ok.  And it was Thursday when we got another call…this time is was the birth mom and her crisis pregnancy advocate.

“Heidi, I made a huge mistake.  Ever since I made my final decision, I couldn’t sleep and I didn’t feel right.  My baby has to go to you, that’s the only way I want it to be”.

Silence…

I’ve learned through this process that I am a very slow reactor.  I am always the person that thinks of great things to say 20 minutes after the conversation is finished, and this held true during this conversation as well.  I was stuck, and my mind was not giving me any words to work with!

This silent period was about as awkward as they get, and I think I did make a few gutteral noises in between the awkward moments.  Eventually I must have said something, becuase here we are, expecting our first son.

I fly to Salt Lake City on Thursday, May 22, and the baby is due the following Saturday, May 24!  I have not taken the control back that I gave to God 6 months ago.  God is in control of this situation, and I don’t want to step in and try to steal it from him.  I believe that this baby boy is being fearfully and wonderfully made by a creator that knows exactly what he is doing.  The precious life is being knit together, and God has designed him for our family.  I feel much like Mary must have felt…completely incompetent, but willing to do what God wants me to do!